> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://www.adoptingfatherhood.com/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Curiosity Over Defense: My Path Through Difficult Race Conversations - URL: https://www.adoptingfatherhood.com/curiosity-over-defense-my-path-through-difficult-race-conversations/ - Published: 2026-08-29T18:34:15.000Z - Updated: 2026-08-29T18:34:15.000Z - Author: David Lingholm Sunday-night drives home from my Aunt and Uncle’s house are typically uneventful, save for dodging the occasional deer in the road. I’m usually a little tired by the time we leave, and I spend a large part of the drive wondering why we leave so late. The Kid is always in the backseat, sometimes arguing with our Border collie Sailor because he is taking up so much space and sometimes watching her favorite streamer. Gladys always sits next to me with an earbud in one ear, listening to an audiobook because she’s tired of listening to whatever House mix I’ve got going. Several weeks ago, The Kid decided to break our routine. For much of our hourlong drive, we talked about race. That is not unusual for us, given the makeup of our family. Her sharing how she has experienced racism was different. She has plenty of examples, like people who should know better grabbing her hair because they wanted to know how it feels. The awkward stares at family gatherings because she is the only Black kid in the room. We even talked about how it feels for her when we are vacationing around Mackinaw City because the only people who share her skin color are the ones working at the resorts on the island. It was a challenging conversation for me. Intuitively, I know being the only person who is different in a room is difficult. I remain mystified at how many people feel like it is their right to go up to Black women and girls and grab their hair as if it is their own. I know the only people who aren’t White or White-passing in Mackinaw City or on Mackinac Island are the ones working the restaurants, hotels, or resorts, but it still feels a bit safer for our family than other places we’ve been to in the state. What challenged me was finally thinking about how I react when confronted with racism. As a rule, I follow the Dale Carnegie principle of correcting people in private closely. That makes me feel better, but what message does it send to my daughter? Does she know I will say something afterward? Or does she feel like I am not protecting her? Does letting something slide in the moment help the well-intentioned learn and do better? Or does it embolden the people who are intentionally trying to assert their claimed superiority? ## How I try to respond With most things in life, there is no one-size-fits-all answer, especially when people are involved. This holds especially true when race is part of the equation. What I have learned is that in the moment, being defensive helps no one. Being genuinely curious is the only path forward. On that ride home when my own daughter started asking me about how I reacted in certain situations, I answered then listened. When her answer was finished, I reflected and asked clarifying questions. I genuinely wanted to know what she thought because I know that I have room to grow. And if I want her to be a person who is curious and always trying to grow to support the people she loves, I need to model that behavior. When we got home, Sailor was happy to hop out of the truck to stretch his legs. He loves traveling with us but is always the one most excited to be home. I thanked The Kid for asking tough questions. It’s easy for a teenager to want clarity from their parents but not ask because they don’t want to rock the boat. I take it as a sign of her love and respect for us as parents. Gladys and I talked a little further when we got in the house. She didn’t want to interrupt the flow The Kid and I had going. Plus, aligning with her when it comes to our daughter is the most important activity we can undertake for the long-term health and wellbeing of our family. I went to bed that night tired and content. Those are the best nights.